Saving the Leafs From Themselves: 5 Ideas Worse Than Trading Mitch Marner
The Toronto Maple Leafs are one of the NHL’s most historically inept teams.
From bad trades, to insane signings, to things that are just plain confusing, you can always count on the Toronto Maple Leafs to mismanage things.
The one time they had a good GM, they trained him for years, let him learn some hard lessons, and then watched as he took all that time and effort to another team.
But I digress.
The Leafs may be on the verge of making the dumbest decision in franchise history, which, for this franchise is saying a lot. So, with that in mind, I have some ideas that are equally bad and which they could use instead, you know, assuming they are deadset on making a bad move.
Saving the Leafs From Themselves: Ideas Worse Than Trading Mitch Marner
The idea here is that the Leafs are planning on doing something dumb, and since they are the Leafs, it’s almost required by law that they do. And since I don’t want my favorite player traded, here’s some equally bad ideas they could employ instead.
One: Look, my Mom (upstairs right now making me some meatloaf) taught me that you can’t talk about other people if you can’t make fun of yourself. So let’s start this off with the worst idea in history, courtesy of me: This trade idea was universally mocked, and you know what? I deserved it.
One good thing did come of this, as I got 10% more paranoid the next day when my phone had an add for Laine and Werenski jerseys on every page I clicked on. As Gene Hackman has taught me, you can’t be too careful.
This idea would clearly be worse than trading Marner, so if GM Brad Treliving is out of ideas, he’s more than welcome to take this one.
Two: Here is another horrible idea that is still better than trading Mitch Marner: Now that his career is over, hire Drake to write dis-tracks for every Leafs opponent next season. The catch is that to avoid further embarrassment, he’ll only dis teams obviously weaker than the Leafs.
Three: Hire Ross Atkins to run the team. While this would ruin the Leafs, it would save the Blue Jays.
Four: Re-Sign Max Domi to that $6 million dollar six-year extension everyone was talking about last week.
Five: To fix Auston Matthews image, which has been tarred with a very lame association with a certain Canadian Pop Star that is worse than when former Blue Jay Carlos Delgado was supposedly best friends with ex-Much Music VJ Rick the Temp, the Leafs could hire some of the lesser members of the Wu Tang Clan to hang out with Matthews all summer. U-God and Cappadonna aren’t doing much last I checked, so they might be available to help.
Now, I admit it, these are bad ideas. But that’s the whole point. The Leafs can’t trade Marner because no team has ever traded a player that good and won the trade. The Leafs won’t be the first, I can tell you that. But if they absolutely, positively have to do something dumb, I’ve got them covered.
